Of all the things that affect our sexual satisfaction, the most important element is sexual confidence. By that we mean knowing not only that you’re desirable but also that what you bring to a sexual encounter is likely to be highly valued by your partner.

Not surprisingly, sexually confident women seem to be more sexually active and have a whole lot more fun while they’re at it. That doesn’t mean they confuse quantity with quality. What sets the sexually confident woman apart is that she’s relaxed. She experiences things fully because she isn’t self-conscious. She doesn’t obsess about rejection or failure, and as a result she enjoys success after success.

If you’re one of those folks, take heart and read on. The good news is that if this seemingly mystical characteristic is missing in your life, things can change. If you’re sexually insecure or uptight, or just feel as if you aren’t very good at it, all that can change—in a hurry. The really good news is that attaining sexual confidence is totally up to you. It’s time for you to put a little strut in your stuff.

Clearly, there are some things that sexual confidence is not about. For starters, it’s not about having a great body. Sexual confidence isn’t something you need a partner to give to you or validate in you. In fact, if you’re focusing too much on this thing, that can be a big distraction and erode your sexual confidence.

The below guiding principles are all values that promote connecting with yourself at a deeper level so you can better connect with others. They are also about learning how to negotiate a healthier relationship with others, but also with yourself as well. And this is the space where sexual confidence, as all confidence, thrives.

Here are our tips on what you can do to embrace your erotic prowess and to boost your sexual confidence in the bedroom and beyond.

sexual confidence

Get to know yourself

Don’t be afraid to get in touch with your emotions. The more you learn to process your emotions with your emotions, the stronger your confidence will be. It is important not to gaslight yourself and to let go of that toxic positivity. Whatever is emotionally affecting you in your life, pay attention, and focus on that and then you’re going to have more sexual confidence. Try sitting with and moving through the full range of your emotions without trying to sanitize them. Once you do that, you will be more in touch with yourself and your needs, which in turn allows you to better connect to your sexual side.

Trust yourself

Sexual confidence is also about trust. When you [strengthen each of your bodies], you learn to trust yourself. And when you trust yourself, it’s easier to trust others because you know you can handle whatever happens. That’s where we believe the confidence comes from. And then sex gets to be an experience versus a performance.

Hack your feel-good hormones

And when you’re not feeling so hot? If you’re feeling down, recognize which part of you is out of whack. If it’s your mental health, try meditating. If it’s your intellect – like how do you shut down your brain  – maybe read a book. If it’s physical, go for a bike ride. Boost your feel-good chemicals, in other words, which include your serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, estrogen, progesterone – all chemicals our bodies naturally produce, and all chemicals you can encourage your body to produce by doing things that release them.

Rewrite Your Sexual Story

Whether we realize it or not, we’ve all been given sexual scripts. These scripts come from the messages our parents or teachers told us about sex, or from the sexual experiences that we have had. Many of those stories are painful and shame-filled. But at a cetain point we can decide to not let those experiences define who we are sexually. You are not broken if your sexuality doesn’t look or feel like the ones you see on TV or in the movies. Each one of us has our own sexual script that we are constantly working on – sometimes the best way to start that process is to work with a trusted sex therapist.

Connect With Fantasy

It’s difficult to be confident about sex when you’re not sure what you like and dislike. So go out and explore – whether it’s picking up some erotica, sexy manga, a thoughtful sex manual or toys – once you have an arsenal of things that turn you on – you are less likely to see pleasure from someone else. Sexual confidence is about knowing that you and you alone hold the keys to your sexual pleasure and power and the only way to get there is by exploring yourself.