During marriage, a decrease in sex frequency is expected (and normal), as is normal in every long term relationship. Think back to those hungry, lusty days in your early relationship. The sex wasn’t just good, it was delicious, and your plate was never empty. For those in long term relationships or marriage, the difference between your sex life then and now may feel stark.

It may even cause you to wonder if your marriage is ultimately doomed. It may seem that there is no life after marriage. Marriage is but the tomb of a wild romance. And you might be convinced that sex after marriage is as improbable as life after death. The problem after marriage is not diet, stress or sleep. Your problem is nesting. Domesticity destroys desire. You do not put a peacock in a goldfish bowl. You do not put a lion in a cage.

Human beings, like pandas, cannot mate in captivity. Undoubtedly, what keeps sex alive is not an unquenchable erection, but romance. Too much accessibility in sex leads to a loss of style. Courtship, with its seasoning of frustration, is the way of dealing with this. It is to marriage a very witty prologue to a very dull play.

How to improve your sex life after marriage


Loss of libido or inhibited sexual desire stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction. Let’s try to find out why it happens and how it can be solved.

How to know if you have a problem with loss of libido

Libido loss doesn’t usually happen suddenly – it’s not like catching a cold where you wake up one morning and whoops, there it is. It can be a gradual process. Though difficult to define precisely, experts measure it as a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year.

Frequency of sexual activity is not the best measure of sexual interest, as there are many circumstances that can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there. But if you are in a committed relationship and having sex less often than the norm — about once a week – you might ask yourself whether you are happy with things as they are.

The mismatch effect

In long-term relationships, one of the partners will consistently want more sex than the other partner, and this can create considerable tension and frustration for both. Studies have shown that partners who significantly differ in their level of sexual desire report lower levels of both relationship and sexual satisfaction compared with those whose libidos are more evenly matched.

This is known as the mismatch effect. This means that couples are happier when they’re similar to each other over a wide spectrum of values, including personality traits, personal preferences and sexual satisfaction.

Whose fault is it?

Today, differences in desire are one of the main reasons couples consult sex therapists. A therapist will usually ask, “Who controls the sex in your relationship?” Each partner then points to the other — and both are astonished to find that the other party thinks they are in control when each of them feels powerless. The one with higher libido feels eviscerated by every cruel “no,” while the one with lower libido feels emotionally battered from constantly fending off advances.

How to resolve sexual desire differences

Fortunately, desire differences can be resolved. The first step to achieve this is to understand what you really want. Is it sex? Or is it something else such as more fun together, nonsexual affection or proof of your partner’s love? Despite desire differences, couples usually feel closer when they cuddle more, attend social events together and treat each other compassionately.

Secondly, you can try to find a compromise. If one partner wants sex twice a week while the other is content with once a month, their average would be four or five times a month. But averages don’t matter. The challenge is to find a frequency you both can live with. Another useful tip is to schedule your sex dates, as they reassure the higher-desire partner that lovemaking will in fact take place; they reassure the lower-desire partner that it will occur only when scheduled. The moment a couple schedules sex dates, its relationship tensions subside.

Communicate and cuddle up more

Nonsexual affection is fundamental in any relationship. Couples who resolve their desire differences often marvel at how much they’ve missed nonsexual affection, even as they rediscover how crucial it is to the relationship — and to their own well-being. Communication is key. If you need help negotiating a schedule, or if a chronic desire difference has undermined your relationship to the point where you can’t discuss the issue, consult a sex therapist. Talking to a professional will help you pinpoint the problems and solve them faster.