How to recover the illusion with your partner
So you’ve been in a relationship for years now and you feel that the illusion with your partner is gone.
Let’s make it clear – you love your partner deeply, but lately you’ve noticed a change in the illusion between you. The spark, the illusion, the old magic seems to be gone for good. Once upon a time, you both enjoyed marathon lovemaking sessions. Now they’ve been replaced by quiet nights in front of the TV. Your conversations seem more stilted and repetitive. That ‘illusion’ you had when you first got together seems to be fading away.
It’s not an illusion: the initial passion and spark of an early relationship can sometimes dampen over time. There are things you can do to get that spark back if things are diminishing. Work on yourself, spend time with your partner, and revisit earlier times in your relationship.
In this article, you will find several ways to get the initial “illusion” back with your partner – if that’s what you’re looking for, you’re in the right place!
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, a mild flaw can start to grate on you. Try to work on accepting those things about your partner that you can’t change.
Many believe they can’t be happy in a relationship until they work on improving or perfecting their partner’s bad qualities. However, this is not the case and can actually be damaging to a relationship longterm. Do you constantly remind your partner to, say, take out the recycling to no avail? If repeatedly talking and nagging does nothing to correct a minor bad behavior, you might have to learn to accept it.
Keep perspective. Some days, your partner’s constant lateness or sloppiness can seem unbearable, but try to remind yourself this is a mild matter in the bigger scheme of things. When you’re frustrated, think to yourself, “Yes, my partner is always running behind schedule, but he/she also always remembers to ask me about my dad, listens to my problems when I’m upset, and laughs at my jokes. That’s what’s really important.
It’s easy to get into the habit of ignoring your partner and taking them for granted. But one of the best things you can do to help reignite the spark in a relationship is to start being attentive to each other. This doesn’t mean making a special effort to go out to dinner, or even to start cooking dinner and cleaning the house every night. It simply means talking (and really listening) to each other.
Try to avoid the obvious topics of kids and work. Instead talk about things you each love – the kind of conversations you may have had when you first started dating. You could chat about movies you’ve seen, mutual friends, hobbies each of you enjoys… anything to reconnect with each other.
Physical touch is key to a significant relationship. Sure, this includes sex, but also so much more. Give your partner a hug, rub his back, hold her hand, offer a massage. Oxytocin is released with physical touch, which has been shown to give lots of benefits, from feeling closer to being more generous and even having a stronger immune system.
Intimacy isn’t all about sex, but rather that closeness between the two of you. If you’re feeling disconnected, try telling your partner a secret you’ve never revealed to anyone before. Whether it’s a childhood memory, a vivid dream, or a fantasy, when you share these truths, you’re saying “I trust you,” which helps re-establish an emotional bond. And that can feel very sexy.
In addition to all the physical aspects of a relationship, it’s super important that you offer your partner support. Depending on your personality type and love language, you may be more or less inclined to offer verbal praise and affirmations to your loved one. If this is you, or even if you are already a fan of verbal affirmations, it is super important to incorporate praise and positive affirmations into your relationship to recover the illusion. Tell your partner you love them, and are proud of them, and appreciate the small things that they do. Nothing is too small to praise!
Your partner cannot meet your every need—best friend, stress-manager, mentor, conflict-resolutor, co-parent, helper. It is important that you have additional sources of support in your life. This will take pressure off your mate to be your everything. Even better, pursue your own interests. Sure, it’s great to do some things together. But you also want to respect your own areas of interest and follow those passions.