Here’s what no one tells you about sex
Not everything about sex is wildly apparent, and no one wants to talk about it
Not everything about sex is wildly apparent, and no one wants to talk about it
Let’s face it, no one adequately prepares you for sex. As a society we talk about it, try to prepare our youth, teach them to be responsible and respectable partners but no one actually tells you the nitty gritty details about sex. By a show of virtual hands, how many times as a sexual newbie did you think, “Well, why didn’t anyone tell me about that?” Everyone’s hand should be up. Everyone.
Let’s pretend for five minutes that we are your bestie. That friend you wish you had in high school or college who had no shame in telling you the honest truth when it comes to sex.
Here are some of the things no one tells you about sex.
It doesn’t just “happen”
In movies, two perfectly symmetrical-faced people gaze at each other, and in the next scene they’re in bed doing it. Alas, when you’re single and dating, this rarely happens. It requires a little more work.
Sex is not just genital versus genital
There’s a whole range of activities that could and, the argument might be made, should be considered sex. A good number of them don’t involve smushing genitals together at all. Oral, mutual masturbation, finger work, both internal and external, and even some forms of voyeurism or arousing fantasy play are not just sexual but actual about sex.
Because these can be and are viewed differently from partner to partner, we circle back around to that communication issue and the bigger, all-important, must-have in all sexual encounters, consent. All parties involved must be able to soundly, safely, and confidently consent to what’s going to go down.
Not all positions will work for all couples
Everyone’s physiology is different. Vulvas, penises, vaginas, and testicles come in all shapes, sizes, and layouts. As a result, what works with one partner may not work with another.
Communication is key
Hopefully, it’s no secret that communication is the secret to good sex. But an open communication before, during, and after can lead to great sex. Tell your partner what you prefer about sex and what is off the table before you get started.
Let them know what’s working and what adjustments could be made during. And, after the requisite cuddles or reset period, discuss what worked for you if this is going to be a recurring activity for you. And here’s the kicker, listen to what your partner tell you. Don’t get offended if they shift your hand or ask you to move a bit to the left. It’s not a critique; it’s an aid. It’s going to make it better for both of you to hear what you’re being told.
Your preferences can change
Your preferences about sex can change from year to year. Or partner to partner. Or session to session. Your mood may have changed. Depending on what’s going on physically, the old stand-bys may not work from time to time. This is especially true for period-havers, pregnant people or those who have had a baby recently, folks who have worked out shortly before the sex-having commences, or people who have started a new medication.
About sex: It isn’t always hot
Sometimes it’s sad and sometimes it’s angry and sometimes it’s embarrassing. Sex comes in a variety of flavors and “hot porn sex” is just one of the things that’s on the menu about sex. To be honest, messy sex is often more interesting than porn sex. It’s easy to emulate what you’ve seen on TV. The real challenge about sex comes from making sex personal and unique to the individual.
You may not even orgasm
Orgasming isn’t as simple as we’re led to believe. In pop culture, climaxing is often portrayed as something that happens easily — and fast. But for many people, it takes more effort — and even a little homework.
It’s important everyone learns their body and sexuality in order to figure out what works for them. It helps to discover what brings you to orgasm on your own so make time for exploration, both alone and with a partner. If you don’t know your pleasure points on your own, how can you expect others to?
Sex is more fun sober
O, cruel alcohol: It makes you want to have sex more, yet be way worse at actually having it. It doesn’t take long to figure out that being on top is better when you don’t have the spins.
Fun sex can be just as good as sultry sex
It’s not always gonna be like, “I’ll get the wine, you light the candles; let’s have sex like we kind of hate each other.” There are also doofy new positions, mid-coital laughing, and generally letting it all hang out. And that speaks volumes about how comfortable you are around each other sexually — which leads to more, and better, orgasms.
